I am turning 42 on Monday April 9, 2012. They say you trade your youthful looks for wisdom. I can say I am definitely losing my youth, but right now the trade off seems worth it. A few months ago, on Girls Night Out, the conversation centered on what age would you most want to be. 34 seemed to be the consensus. (Not for me, I was preggo at the time.) Then, I, who clearly didn’t understand the question, asked for clarification. “When we go back to this ideal age, can we change our lives? Make different choices?” Waa Waa was the response. I buzz killed the question. This was strictly about looks not about life. So for me, even in hypothetical land, I still choose to be this age. The wisdom is worth the extra wrinkle (or two).
My newest great observation with my enhanced wisdom from another year of living is this: life always seems to be in one of two perceived states—Chaos or Safety. Much like the game of Hide and Seek Tag. You hide with a great uncertainty; unsure if you’ve chosen a safe spot, uncertain if you can successfully make it to homebase, afraid that you may not be fast enough or smart enough to outrun and outsmart whoever is so unfortunate to be the finder and chaser. This of course, is Chaos—Questions and Unknowns. “Ready or not, Here I come.” That’s your cue. You run quickly and arrive at homebase and wait. Safety. Answers. Security.
A simple example—ask any college bound 17 year old about “next year”. Clearly Chaos—“I am still not sure, I have narrowed it down to 2 but………….” Questions abound. Most unspoken. What will college be like? What will my roommates be like? Will I make good, lifetime friends? Will schoolwork be hard? Will I make it? You can hear it in the parent’s voices as well. So many unknowns. It’s scary…… but also exciting.
Then before you know it, that kid is a junior and in the perceived Safeland. But you know what’s coming! Chaos is certainly about to erupt. Job? Relationships? Home? Independent living?
Hike and Seek though is a game: it is concrete. Unfortunately, the locations of safety and chaos are not so clear in the real world. Afterall, college kid still experiences life and during freshman, sophomore and junior year, there will still be lots of highs and lows, and opportunities taken and missed, tests failed and passed.
I love the great social experiment of Facebook. I am a people-watching voyeur for sure. Sometimes, I look around on a complete strangers page out of sheer curiosity. It seems that the majority of people choose to portray their lives in Safety. A few love to share their Chaos continually (you know who they are) I love it though. Some will move between the two states openly for all of us to witness. It’s all just a perception of course. None of it’s true. These places of safety and chaos don’t exist. You just move between the two; that’s the place.
Whether you think you are in Safety or Chaos, life is really in constant flux. It is always changing. Always. Like the ocean. The tides keep coming; the waves rise and fall. Even when there is a clear calm in the waters, currents are swirling, and dancing, and mixing everything up somewhere in the bottom.
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Turning 30 vs. Turning 40
I remember the milestone of turning 30. I guess it could be considered a time of chaos. So many many questions. Who would I marry? Would I have children? What will they be like? What will motherhood be like? What will my home be like? What about my everyday life—what will it look like? At the time, I didn’t know any of these answers. I got engaged a few months later and bought a house. The kids came within the next 4 years. My new Safe life was well underway.
I cried for three straight days when I turned 40. I suppose there were many reasons why but at the time, it was unexplainable. I remember a colleague saying happy birthday to me in the hallway at school. I burst into tears. “You look great for 40,” she said to try to console me. That wasn’t the point of course. And life was pretty good. Husband, kids, home, career—all good, really good. But still I cried. Even in Safeland.
Safety isn’t a forever place especially because it isn’t a real place at all. People who suffer from unexpected loss certainly know this. You lose a parent, a spouse, a home, a job. Your life is upside down. But these major life events don’t even need to happen. It can change in subtle ways too. The foundation can always crack.
“The only constant in life is change”
“Change ain’t lookin’ for friends.”
Two simple but good ones—can’t remember where I have read either.
My year is going to move towards a clear Chaos soon enough. I feel sadness, fear, regret but also possibility and excitement. I will remember that no matter what happens, I will be ok.
I know the cycle of life by now: that it is saying hello and saying goodbye and saying hello again. It will move from safety to chaos and back again. It will continue to have high notes and low notes all along. All of this is important to make the music of life beautiful.
It is better to have lived an opera--the ending is not always guaranteed to be a happy one but it’s a lot less corny and predictable than a Disney movie. Drama inspires.
Roseann Cetta Rappoccio on Facebook December 2009.
Happy Birthday to me and a toast to my “New Year”! Cheers to gaining new wisdom, learning from Chaos and striving always for new Safety.