How Will I Know?

I’ve been thinking lately much about life’s decisions and how you never really know if you are ever doing the right thing.

Recently my son, age 6, asked two good “how will I know?” questions. 

The first, after a developmental level coach pitched baseball game, Johnny asked, “Mommy, how will I know a pitch is the right one to swing at?”  I know this is a pretty good question because I spent a bit of time coming up with my answer.  (My daughter has yet to ask it and she has been playing softball now for a number of years—I am sure most baseball/softball players DON’T ask it.  But surely, they wonder, no?)

“You’ll learn over time,” I responded.  “Your eyes and mind and experience will help you to know.  You will swing and miss at many bad pitches but each time, you will learn.  And soon you’ll recognize most of the good ones.  Well,…..and then there are these tricky ones….” And on and on I went. His eyes first filled with interest, then anxiety, and then he started playing with his cars.  I doubt he got an acceptable answer but he is relieved he won’t have to worry about it until next baseball season. 

            I realized that life is a series of decisions both large and small, those with enormous impact and those whose “impacts” are relatively inconsequential. 

Should I swing at this high pitch?

Should I dive into the water?

Should I change jobs?

Should I have another child?

Should I stay? Should I go? Should I just stand still?

How will I know what to do?

In any given day, from the moment the alarm goes off, we are faced with possibly a 1000 choices. (Probably many many more).  Maybe it goes something like this- Do I have time to hit snooze? What should I wear? Should I put some laundry in now? To headband or not headband? Breakfast at home or work? And so it begins.  Of course, each decision has its consequences-good or bad. So I did hit the snooze button, hair now in a ponytail, skipped breakfast-not enough time, crazy busy at work, starving by 10am.

No big deal at the end of the day.

But each time we are faced with a choice and it’s decision time, either a slight or ENORMOUS leap of faith is required-That this will somehow be the right one. 

            Yes, it’s so obnoxious and easy to look back and calculate all of the bad moves we’ve made over the course of the day, the year, a lifetime.  Nothing like a Monday Morning Quarterback—Hindsight is, in fact, 20/20 and damn-if I only knew then, what I know now!!!!! It’s called regret and this type of reflection can do no good.  Because, as we know, the time travel machine has yet to be invented: we don’t get the do-over. For whatever reason, this is the very time and very place we need to be in.  We must live in peace with our choices. 

            Thankfully, most things we decide upon have minimal impact but the bigger the decision, the larger the amount of faith in a higher order, faith in a higher power, belief in God is going to be required.  You say, “I make this choice today.  God, please let it be the right one.”

            Not too long after Johnny’s baseball question, he asked another “How do you know?” question.  While sharing one of my all time personal favorite movies, he asked, “How did Elliot (Ewiot as he says) know that he and ET would become friends?”  It’s another great question and even though I have seen the movie multiple times, I never thought to ask.  How does a 10-year-old boy know it’s ok to take a strange alien that he met in his shed into his home, his room, and make him his best friend?  Thinking about this question makes the story of their unique friendship even more beautiful.  Let’s face it-both ET and Elliot took an enormous risk and I have no idea how they knew.  Ok Ok –it’s a movie so of course it worked out (Thank God for that because I cried my eyes out at the end as if I didn’t know it would all work out!) But how did they know? Intuition maybe? Chemistry? Magic? Love?  Lots of abstract possible answers here.

            Sometimes that leap works out.  Sometimes, it doesn’t.  Sometimes, you make a careful, calculated, decision and it’s still a disaster.  Sometimes, you decide in a tenth of a second-this is a perfect pitch and you hit a homerun. 

            So in this game of life, with its endless series of decisions, we will use our eyes, our minds, our intuition, our magic, our love and our FAITH to help us make the right ones.

Yogi Bera, in all his slightly off but yet completely on “Yogi-isms”, once said, “We made too many wrong mistakes.”  It’s a brilliant statement.  Because there is no getting around making mistakes, swinging at bad pitches, striking out, getting your heart broken.  Mistakes will be made.  But there are good mistakes too.  Our best hope is that at the end—your wrong mistakes were far less than your right ones. 

And it is important to remember that these mistakes and bad choices leave us great gifts, lessons, maybe, or a new path, one that leads us to a different road, a better one.

So how will you know?  You won’t.

 “Life begins outside your comfort zone” (Carla P.)

Go get em’  

And don’t forget to pray!

Birthday Wisdom-Safety, Chaos and Somewhere in Between

I am turning 42 on Monday April 9, 2012.  They say you trade your youthful looks for wisdom.  I can say I am definitely losing my youth, but right now the trade off seems worth it.  A few months ago, on Girls Night Out, the conversation centered on what age would you most want to be.  34 seemed to be the consensus.  (Not for me, I was preggo at the time.)  Then, I, who clearly didn’t understand the question, asked for clarification.  “When we go back to this ideal age, can we change our lives? Make different choices?”  Waa Waa was the response.  I buzz killed the question.  This was strictly about looks not about life. So for me, even in hypothetical land, I still choose to be this age.  The wisdom is worth the extra wrinkle (or two). 

My newest great observation with my enhanced wisdom from another year of living is this: life always seems to be in one of two perceived states—Chaos or Safety. Much like the game of Hide and Seek Tag.  You hide with a great uncertainty; unsure if you’ve chosen a safe spot, uncertain if you can successfully make it to homebase, afraid that you may not be fast enough or smart enough to outrun and outsmart whoever is so unfortunate to be the finder and chaser.  This of course, is Chaos—Questions and Unknowns.  “Ready or not, Here I come.”  That’s your cue.  You run quickly and arrive at homebase and wait.  Safety. Answers. Security.

A simple example—ask any college bound 17 year old about “next year”.  Clearly Chaos—“I am still not sure, I have narrowed it down to 2 but………….”  Questions abound.  Most unspoken.  What will college be like?  What will my roommates be like?  Will I make good, lifetime friends?  Will schoolwork be hard?  Will I make it?  You can hear it in the parent’s voices as well.  So many unknowns.  It’s scary…… but also exciting. 

Then before you know it, that kid is a junior and in the perceived Safeland.  But you know what’s coming!   Chaos is certainly about to erupt.  Job? Relationships? Home? Independent living?

Hike and Seek though is a game: it is concrete.  Unfortunately, the locations of safety and chaos are not so clear in the real world.  Afterall, college kid still experiences life and during freshman, sophomore and junior year, there will still be lots of highs and lows, and opportunities taken and missed, tests failed and passed.

I love the great social experiment of Facebook.  I am a people-watching voyeur for sure. Sometimes, I look around on a complete strangers page out of sheer curiosity. It seems that the majority of people choose to portray their lives in Safety.  A few love to share their Chaos continually (you know who they are)  I love it though.  Some will move between the two states openly for all of us to witness.  It’s all just a perception of course.  None of it’s true.  These places of safety and chaos don’t exist.  You just move between the two; that’s the place.

Whether you think you are in Safety or Chaos, life is really in constant flux. It is always changing.  Always.  Like the ocean.  The tides keep coming; the waves rise and fall.  Even when there is a clear calm in the waters, currents are swirling, and dancing, and mixing everything up somewhere in the bottom. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Turning 30 vs. Turning 40

I remember the milestone of turning 30.  I guess it could be considered a time of chaos.  So many many questions.  Who would I marry?  Would I have children? What will they be like?  What will motherhood be like?  What will my home be like?  What about my everyday life—what will it look like?   At the time, I didn’t know any of these answers.  I got engaged a few months later and bought a house.  The kids came within the next 4 years.  My new Safe life was well underway. 

I cried for three straight days when I turned 40.  I suppose there were many reasons why but at the time, it was unexplainable.  I remember a colleague saying happy birthday to me in the hallway at school.  I burst into tears.  “You look great for 40,” she said to try to console me. That wasn’t the point of course.  And life was pretty good.  Husband, kids, home, career—all good, really good.  But still I cried.  Even in Safeland.

Safety isn’t a forever place especially because it isn’t a real place at all.  People who suffer from unexpected loss certainly know this.  You lose a parent, a spouse, a home, a job.  Your life is upside down.  But these major life events don’t even need to happen.  It can change in subtle ways too.  The foundation can always crack. 

“The only constant in life is change” 

“Change ain’t lookin’ for friends.” 

Two simple but good ones—can’t remember where I have read either.

My year is going to move towards a clear Chaos soon enough.  I feel sadness, fear, regret but also possibility and excitement.  I will remember that no matter what happens, I will be ok. 

I know the cycle of life by now: that it is saying hello and saying goodbye and saying hello again.  It will move from safety to chaos and back again.  It will continue to have high notes and low notes all along.  All of this is important to make the music of life beautiful.

It is better to have lived an opera--the ending is not always guaranteed to be a happy one but it’s a lot less corny and predictable than a Disney movie. Drama inspires.

Roseann Cetta Rappoccio on Facebook December 2009.

Happy Birthday to me and a toast to my “New Year”!  Cheers to gaining new wisdom, learning from Chaos and striving always for new Safety.

20 Life's Lessons from a 42 year old!

1) Buy the 64 pack of Crayola crayons, learn every shade of blue, then watch the summer sky turn every shade as night time falls.

2) Take a stand but always be open to listen to all sides.  Remember truth is really just a perception.

3) If you are running, do so with the wind behind you.  

4) Vote!

5) Stay away from Blue Jays as beautiful as they are.

6) Be kind.  Care.  Cry for others. Don't judge.

 7) Face the ocean at the beach-you don't need to turn your chair to face the sun.  Your suntan will still be golden and you won't have missed out on one of God's most beautiful creations.

 8) If you drop the ball, just PICK IT UP!!!

 9) Marvel at the moon in all its phases.

10)  Save your love letters.  Make a copy of the ones you have given. 

 11) Try to learn something new and get humbled by the experience.  In fact, be humble.

 12) Love and be loved

13) Smile....... a lot. It is good food for your soul.  So is ice-cream.  Plus you have to smile while you are eating it.

14) Notice that falling snow makes a beautiful although very soft sound.

15) There will always be someone better looking, smarter and richer.  Offer something else.

16) Learn how to communicate-tell people you love them often, share your ideas always, tell stories, share your needs and wants. Don’t play games. Contribute to other’s lives and allow them to contribute to yours.

17) Life is funny and ironic and wonderful.  It is also sad and cruel and sometimes terribly unfair.  Endure.  It all just cycles.

18) It is better to have lived an opera--the ending is not always guaranteed to be a happy one but it’s a lot less corny and predictable than a Disney movie. Drama inspires.

19) Don’t allow fear to be a part of your choices in life.  Live fully and fearlessly. Decide who and what you want to be and don’t let anything stop you. You will recover from your setbacks stronger than before and wiser too.  It’s all good for you.

20) Write a list of what you’ve learned.

Shades of Blue-this color is called cerulean.