How to Ride a Roller Coaster If You Really Want To But Are Afraid to Try: A (very) Brief Handbook for Living Life

Johnny turning 1!

My son, Johnny, is turning 10 soon.  In his ten years we have quite a history already. He has been told that he is spoiled especially by his mother. He has been called the quintessential "momma's boy." Giana, his older sister, would sing the words from a popular song last summer. "Don't go crying to your momma, cause you're all alone." He would scream out in protest. The mother and the boy are close indeed.

Johnny, from day 1, was a different child to parent than his older sister. At first we attributed his different behaviors to gender. She was the sweet, silly girl who loved books and puzzles. He was the sometimes moody little boy who ate puzzle pieces. 

But he really wasn't a typical little boy either. He was neither adventurous nor mischievous. I never worried about him wandering off. He always seemed far more fearful than other little boys I knew. he preferred the safety and comfort of home and the people he knew best. He needed extra encouragement and sometimes a big push to get out and do something, anything. 

He was shy. But it was more than that.

These are the family rules we wrote.  (Love Etsy) "Take Chances, Make Mistakes"

This past year, Johnny began therapy.  He enjoys "his psychologist" as he likes to tell people. And it helps as we work through his anxiety. While it has never been completely debilitating, it's easier now to understand that some of his negative, (annoying), unacceptable behavior was his response to anxiety. So far, therapy seems to be going well, and he has now taught the whole family the importance of breathing through stress. Right before he headed down the snow tube track he said, "I think I should breathe now, Mom." Good idea my little man. 

School, thankfully, has been mostly a safe place for him. Which is shocking because his fear of failure is sometimes his greatest.  Thankfully his wonderful, caring teachers have always taken a liking to him, and school has been a mostly happy place. He gets through his work, has friends, learns new material, and even plays the trumpet. 

Johnny's First Concert

Ahhhh...... the trumpet. His first performance was both telling and painful. As the concert date neared, Johnny's anxiety increased which is a normal reaction for any child. A few nights before the show he sobbed to me. As a mother, I thought, "do I make this go away by telling him he doesn't have to perform?" That's always the hardest part as a parent: when to push out, when to pull in? When to hold the line? When to bend the line? Through his tears though, he revealed the most significant piece of information; it seems that what he wanted to do was to get on that stage and play. He wanted to perform in front of everyone. I was shocked. All along he said he wanted to learn to play the trumpet, but didn't want to have to perform. Turns out, he DID want to perform. More than anything. 

With the power of a great therapy session, and more practice breathing, he got up on stage and did his trumpet thing.! And he loved every second of it. (Ok so it was only about 120 seconds but still.) Now, that's it. Fear Over Band Performances gone away forever, check!

In general, life and  new experiences are challenging for him. Sometimes, he just doesn't want to leave his home.  Places kids ordinarily love would cause crisis for him: bowling, the beach, Six Flags, a birthday party, a new restaurant.  He's better now it's true.  And he has agreed to be open to new experiences from new sports, new places, different food, and even faster roller-coasters.

My wish for him is to find a peace, a happiness. To live a little freer. To go for it a little more. To allow himself to shine. To be a little braver. It won't ever be easy. But he's working it out. I worry sometimes about his future.  Life is even harder for Big People.  Everyday is filled with challenges. So many times, we think, "Wouldn't it be easier to sit back, hide away, sit it out, avoid?" Many people do just that. And they're not living. They are simply existing.

Our simplest lesson together was in trying to overcome his fear of roller coasters.  The conflict, much like the concert, was that he DID want to ride.  His fear was preventing him from what he wanted to do most. So this became an exercise, a practice challenge in beating his fear. 

At first, he thought everyone who rode the big coasters were brave and fearless.  He thought no one had second thoughts, no one's stomachs did flips, no one thought twice about what they were doing.  

After explaining that the majority of people did NOT feel that way, we started to make some head way.  We went back to the amusement park week after week.  Through YouTube, he watched the rides from other people's GoPro recordings so he knew exactly what to expect. I reminded him that fear is normal.   For most of us, our hearts beat faster, our stomachs do tighten... we tell ourselves that maybe we shouldn't do this.  We think to ourselves while on line, or getting buckled in,  "well this is a very bad idea." I shared that, usually on my way up the roller coaster, right before the first big drop, I make a deal with God. "If I live through this God, I will never ride another roller coaster ever again!" I ride again though even after I have won the deal.

 Then why go, he asks. That is the question. Why? Why put yourself through all of those feelings, and fear and stress in the first place? (After all, riding a roller coaster is optional!!!) 

Why? Because riding the coaster reminds us - that in the end, the fun we will have had is worth the scare right before, that the exhilaration is such an amazing feeling, that suddenly you've forgotten that you were even afraid to begin with. Simply put, it is worth it. You will smile and laugh and be proud that you were brave.  Riding roller coasters also remind us that when we say no and hide from the things that scare us, we miss another opportunity to say yes to all that life has to offer, to understand what it means to be alive. 

Johnny's First Real Roller Coaster, Superman, 6 Flags, Great Adventure

Dear Johnny, 

You have completed your first decade. Your next 9 decades :) will be equally as challenging, perhaps more so. There will be struggles, challenges, difficult days, days when you can't get out of bed. There will be fears so terrifying you won't know how to move forward. But there will also be glorious moments, joyful days, moments of pure contentment. Days where you laugh so hard, you will have earned an extra smile line. 
Be truthful.
Be kind.
Be a good man.

Always remember our roller coaster lesson. Be brave. Trust in protective systems set to keep you safe. Know that you are not alone. When you are faced with a challenge so big you are afraid you can't do it, just make a small step forward. (Get on line, stay on line). Don't give up. There will be plenty of setbacks and roadblocks and bad breaks. Honor them.  Respect them, but don't let them stop you. Keep going. Believe in yourself. You are a star. Shine brightly.  Remember the mantra we wrote together. "Face the day, Be brave, Have fun."

 Enjoy the ride. It will always be worth it. Don't forget to breathe.

Love, 

Mommy

(Johnny has now added Nitro to his roller coaster riding repertoire and he LOVED it-lifted his hands in the air, laughed wildly.  He even wants to do it again.)

Why Every Forty Something Girl Should Hang with the Twenty Somethings

I will be 45 years old in a few months.  My demographic age group will change to the 45-49 range.  My next milestone birthday will be 50.  I am considered middle aged but that's only if the average life span is 90 which it's not; it's younger, making me past middle aged.  All of this means the obvious.  I am getting old.  There is also the physical evidence; the fine lines (OK maybe a little more than fine) and the gray hair.  No stopping it.  But the truth is I have never felt better.
Right now, my daily grind provides me with a most wonderful opportunity.  Every day when I go to work, I am surrounded by young ones, millenials, twenty somethings, almost thirty somethings.  And I swear, it is the best kept secret for staying young.

There are times I look at them as the young women I know they are.  I see my 20 something self in them.  Those are the times I want to say, "Don't make the same mistakes we did when we were your age.''  I know I can't stop them.  For some reason, I have confidence that they absolutely won't make those mistakes or they will but on different terms, maybe even on their own terms.  Sometimes I look at them as if they were my daughter.  (Possible scenario but not a likely one).  I even say, "If you were my daughter,.......".  They listen to my lectures and then we move on.  Some of the time, I try to share my wisdom; the wisdom I have accrued by living life a few more  years more than them. I can be cynical at times.  They listen.  They get it.  They are realists.  But they are hopeful too.  I can't wait to watch them grow up and see where the paths that they have created will take them.  They are not the same twenty-somethings of years past. They are different and wonderful and it is exciting times.
Whatever they get from hanging with me, I get so much more in return.  They have provided me with a much needed fountain of youth.  Somehow, I can fit right in there with them.   And when I am off with something, they subtly let me know.  Mostly they encourage me.   Bootcut jeans may be the new Mom jeans but I am a mom and that's ok.  I will wear skinnies too.  And ripped ones if I want.  "Can I pull it off?" I ask them.  Hell yeah!

 Surround Yourself With 20 Something's When You're a 40 Something.  Here's why-....

1) I will have many 30 year old birthday celebrations to attend.
2) I no longer think I have ADD. (I was just born 15 years too early)
3) My car is the cleanest (?)
4) They think I'm the coolest mom
5) Hair/makeup/shoes/accessories. One time my friend's daughter pointed out how excited she was that we were wearing the same shorts. She's 11. (They weren't exactly the same!). So I dress like a kid sometimes. And I have a fedora. And converse.  And ripped jeans.
6) I live a little freer these days
7) I take the leaps a little more often
8) I view them sometimes as my daughters. I pray for them to have bright futures. I know in my heart they will.
9) I SO admire their swagger, their smarts, their sense of self. They'll make the same mistakes us 40 year olds did.They'll recover like we did too. The difference will be in that they'll do it all in style; smoothly, swiftly, wisely.
10) My 50th birthday is going to ROCK!!!