Happy 14th Birthday-Welcome to the Sisterhood

Dear Giana, 

Today is your 14^th birthday.  I am so proud of the woman you are becoming but I will save that for a private message.  

Three weeks ago, we had your first undergarment shopping experience.  You said, “Wow, Mom, being a woman is expensive”.   

To that I say, “yeah, it sure is!”

A week later, you had your first serious leg shaving incident. 

 To that I say, “It will not be your last!”

One week ago, you attended the Women’s March on Washington and made history. 

 To that I say, “I officially welcome  you to the Sisterhood.”

And now that you are part of the Sisterhood, I ask that you understand a few things.  Be a good friend: this means first and foremost to not be judgemental.  It also means that you should always try to show-up and to listen. It means gather an eclectic group of friends from all different backgrounds who will teach you new things, who will be loyal to you, and who will always have your back.  Make sure you always have their backs.   Be there for them when they ask.  Be there for them when they don’t ask.  Never give up your friends for a romantic relationship. That’s it. The Sisterhood Code. Your "Sisters" will get you through some really hard times and be there with you for your most joyful. I promise you that.

I want you to know that I will never stop fighting for you.  That I will never stop fighting for you to be able to walk down a dark street without fear.  I will never stop fighting for you to be able to have fun at a party and not be rape material.  That you won’t have to walk on the other side of the street.  That you will have fair pay for your work.  That you will have proper healthcare and a real paid maternity leave if you decide to have children.  And speaking of having children, I will fight for you to own your own reproductive choices whatever they may be.  

I love you baby girl.  My smart, funny, kind, and, yes, beautiful daughter.

 I will never stop fighting for you. And all the girls!

Love,

Mommy

I March For, I Stand With, We Rise Up

Next week, I march.  I march for……and I stand with…… and  I Rise Up!
 

“We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare of, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity do ordain and establish this constitution for the United States of America.”  There it is.  The Preamble.  Our nations “mission statement”.  I know it by heart.  Truly with heart and soul.  (Sometimes I have to sing the song that goes with it) But I have it committed to memory.  Because I believe in it.  Because it matters.

I am the great-granddaughter of immigrants: immigrants with a third grade education who came to this country at the turn of the century, who settled in the lower east side of NYC only to live in more deplorable conditions than they ship that brought them here. 

They worked in the garment district.  They worked hard. But early on they fell in love with the ideals of their new country; the country they would soon call their own.  They did it all so the next generation could have the opportunity promised to them by the ideals set forth in the Preamble of the United States Constitution.

To be able to Rise Up. ”Secure the Blessing of Liberty to ourselves and our posterity”

None of my grand-parents, first generation Americans, graduated high school.  All of their grandchildren have post-graduate degrees. Hard work mixed with opportunity and fairness and love all taught to me; how exactly to Rise Up! I am a living example of the American Dream.  And I believe in that too with all heart and soul; that this is the foundation of our great nation.

I am the granddaughter and great niece of decorated World War 2 veterans who fought bravely for the country they loved, all first generation Americans.  Both of my grandfathers were purple-heart recipients.

I am the step-daughter of a United States Naval Boatswain's Mate Seaman who was sent on a ship one night in 1962 to sit in the Caribbean Sea outside the shores of Cuba.

They were all asked to Rise Up.  And they did.

I was a “liberal” before I ever knew what the word liberal meant. “I pledge allegiance to the flag……… and Liberty and Justice for all.” Since as far back as I can remember, human rights have been my thing. I believe in humanity.  That all people are equal.  That all people deserve the blessings of liberty.  That all people should be allowed the opportunity to Rise Up.

Immediately after the Preamble comes the 7 Articles, and then the Amendments, 27 in all. The first 10 are called The Bill of Rights.  Now the very first amendment- let’s talk about that. 

The First Amendment says: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

So the creators of this amendment not only intended to protect our freedom of speech but most likely hoped this measure would insure that whatever contradictions existed in the constitution at the time (and there were many) would be available for self-correction as history would unfold.  They knew it was a living document and that it could only be improved by the people, for the people, and that the injustices within could be corrected though this “redress of grievances”.  And Hallelujah, it has! Over the course of our short history as a nation, people have protested, people have assembled, the press has exposed injustices, and, as a result, our country has grown closer and closer towards the ideals for which it was initially founded, the mission statement, the Preamble, “secure the blessings of liberty”.  

Those same founding fathers call to us from the graves; they call for us to Rise Up.  They said then and they say now that not only is it our right to peacefully protest, our right to assemble, and our right to march but it is, in fact, our civic duty to do so.

It will require us to Rise Up.

So next week, I march for, I stand with, and I Rise Up.

I march for all the times I was afraid.  (I am not afraid anymore).

I march for my daughter.

I march for my son.

I march for my immigrant great grandparents. 

I march for my mother and my grandmothers and my aunts.

I march for the sisterhood.

I march for the brotherhood.

I march for the children; for all the children but especially for those with disabilities.
I march for the elderly and the sick.

I march for my friends: my friends of every race, religion, ethnicity, immigration status, and sexual orientation.

I march for the friends I have yet to meet.

I march for the strangers I may never meet.

I march for the founders of this country who made sure I could march.

I march for those who have marched before me.

I march for country.

I march for love.

I march for peace.

I march for equality

I march for fairness.

I march for liberty for all.

I march for justice for all.

If you don’t already know the Preamble, today would be a good day to learn it.

Next week, I march for.  Today and everyday I stand with. Today and everyday We Rise UP!

The Women's March on Washington, January 21, 2017?   yeah, I'll be there.  

Lights for the Softball Field

A few years back, our town finally installed lighting, shade providing dugouts, and a scoreboard for some of our softball fields. Our girls finally had a proper softball home!!! We all applauded at the ceremony when the lights were turned on for the first time.

Some attending the event spoke the words, while others thought them silently.  “The boys already had beautiful fields with lights, dugouts, and score boards.  Why has it taken so damn long?”

Over the course of our country’s history, sexual discrimination at times has been both overt and subtle. 

It takes only a few viewings of the popular TV show, Madmen, to get a sense of what women went through just a mere 50 years ago.  When I first gave birth to my daughter, I remember distinctly feeling both excited and terrified.  Excited for obvious reasons, but mostly that I might be rewarded with a best friend someday.  But terrified too, because I knew the world can be particularly unkind to girls and women. That things like education, work, and life can be a little harder. Because I know that women are more susceptible to becoming targets of violence and crimes against them.  I silently prayed that the world simply be kind to her.  (Little did I know that I had given birth to a strong-willed, strong-minded little person who would grow up to be everything I’d like to be). 

This last week I reflected on some of my own experiences regarding being a woman, like the times I felt strong because of it and the times I felt vulnerable because of it.  And the times I thought, “this is unfair.”

And I started to wonder, how much progress we have made in the past 100 years.

Here is a list  JUST from my lifetime starting in 1970.

1) A woman’s employer could change the job title so that they could pay women less money until 1970.  Schultz v. Wheaton Glass Co.

2) A woman could be discriminated against at Public Educational Institutions and be denied participation on basis of sex until 1972.

(TITLE IX)

3) A woman would not be acknowledged for running in the Boston marathon until 1972.

4) A woman could not make a decision regarding her own reproductive rights until 1973. (Roe V. Wade)

5) A woman could not apply for her own credit card until 1974. (Equal Credit Opportunity Act).

6) A woman could not legally charge her husband for raping her until 1976 in Nebraska. (Was made illegal in all 50 States in 1993.)

7) A woman could be fired or denied a job or promotion because she was or could become pregnant until the Pregnancy Discrimination Act in 1978.

8) While women were admitted into Military Academies, they could not participate in combat missions until 2013.

Between 1970 and 1979 the number of women in colleges increased by 60 percent (related much to Title IX!). For the first time in history more women were going to college than men.

There have been other legislative measures including Lilly Ledbetter and the Violence Against Women Act designed to address fair pay and protection of women respectively.

The subtle message that women are weaker and in need of protection is naturally offensive to many; and yet there is a particular vulnerability that women face since they are far more likely to be victims of violence especially by someone they know. This sometimes sends conflicting messages.  Yes, women are strong and capable.  And Yes, also, they are more easily victims of violent crimes.

*Rape and sexual assault are still alive and well. 

*Women still don’t earn the same wages for the same work. 

*More women live in poverty than men. 

Just recently another cable news network is under investigation for allegations of sexual harassment and sexual discrimination.

When I went on maternity leave, I was required to use my accrued sick days.  It turns out, that after achieving perhaps the greatest physical feat a human can endure (delivering and caring for a baby),  I was "sick".  I wondered how is this considered “sick”?  In fact I would like to argue now that the experience is quite the opposite. Sustaining life, delivering a baby, and caring for her or him, is a result of health and strength and power.  

While there is still much to overcome, it is good to know we are moving in the right direction.  This week was surely a celebration for all women, for all Americans, and for all humanity. 
The lights are on (at least on the softball field)!

How to Ride a Roller Coaster If You Really Want To But Are Afraid to Try: A (very) Brief Handbook for Living Life

Johnny turning 1!

My son, Johnny, is turning 10 soon.  In his ten years we have quite a history already. He has been told that he is spoiled especially by his mother. He has been called the quintessential "momma's boy." Giana, his older sister, would sing the words from a popular song last summer. "Don't go crying to your momma, cause you're all alone." He would scream out in protest. The mother and the boy are close indeed.

Johnny, from day 1, was a different child to parent than his older sister. At first we attributed his different behaviors to gender. She was the sweet, silly girl who loved books and puzzles. He was the sometimes moody little boy who ate puzzle pieces. 

But he really wasn't a typical little boy either. He was neither adventurous nor mischievous. I never worried about him wandering off. He always seemed far more fearful than other little boys I knew. he preferred the safety and comfort of home and the people he knew best. He needed extra encouragement and sometimes a big push to get out and do something, anything. 

He was shy. But it was more than that.

These are the family rules we wrote.  (Love Etsy) "Take Chances, Make Mistakes"

This past year, Johnny began therapy.  He enjoys "his psychologist" as he likes to tell people. And it helps as we work through his anxiety. While it has never been completely debilitating, it's easier now to understand that some of his negative, (annoying), unacceptable behavior was his response to anxiety. So far, therapy seems to be going well, and he has now taught the whole family the importance of breathing through stress. Right before he headed down the snow tube track he said, "I think I should breathe now, Mom." Good idea my little man. 

School, thankfully, has been mostly a safe place for him. Which is shocking because his fear of failure is sometimes his greatest.  Thankfully his wonderful, caring teachers have always taken a liking to him, and school has been a mostly happy place. He gets through his work, has friends, learns new material, and even plays the trumpet. 

Johnny's First Concert

Ahhhh...... the trumpet. His first performance was both telling and painful. As the concert date neared, Johnny's anxiety increased which is a normal reaction for any child. A few nights before the show he sobbed to me. As a mother, I thought, "do I make this go away by telling him he doesn't have to perform?" That's always the hardest part as a parent: when to push out, when to pull in? When to hold the line? When to bend the line? Through his tears though, he revealed the most significant piece of information; it seems that what he wanted to do was to get on that stage and play. He wanted to perform in front of everyone. I was shocked. All along he said he wanted to learn to play the trumpet, but didn't want to have to perform. Turns out, he DID want to perform. More than anything. 

With the power of a great therapy session, and more practice breathing, he got up on stage and did his trumpet thing.! And he loved every second of it. (Ok so it was only about 120 seconds but still.) Now, that's it. Fear Over Band Performances gone away forever, check!

In general, life and  new experiences are challenging for him. Sometimes, he just doesn't want to leave his home.  Places kids ordinarily love would cause crisis for him: bowling, the beach, Six Flags, a birthday party, a new restaurant.  He's better now it's true.  And he has agreed to be open to new experiences from new sports, new places, different food, and even faster roller-coasters.

My wish for him is to find a peace, a happiness. To live a little freer. To go for it a little more. To allow himself to shine. To be a little braver. It won't ever be easy. But he's working it out. I worry sometimes about his future.  Life is even harder for Big People.  Everyday is filled with challenges. So many times, we think, "Wouldn't it be easier to sit back, hide away, sit it out, avoid?" Many people do just that. And they're not living. They are simply existing.

Our simplest lesson together was in trying to overcome his fear of roller coasters.  The conflict, much like the concert, was that he DID want to ride.  His fear was preventing him from what he wanted to do most. So this became an exercise, a practice challenge in beating his fear. 

At first, he thought everyone who rode the big coasters were brave and fearless.  He thought no one had second thoughts, no one's stomachs did flips, no one thought twice about what they were doing.  

After explaining that the majority of people did NOT feel that way, we started to make some head way.  We went back to the amusement park week after week.  Through YouTube, he watched the rides from other people's GoPro recordings so he knew exactly what to expect. I reminded him that fear is normal.   For most of us, our hearts beat faster, our stomachs do tighten... we tell ourselves that maybe we shouldn't do this.  We think to ourselves while on line, or getting buckled in,  "well this is a very bad idea." I shared that, usually on my way up the roller coaster, right before the first big drop, I make a deal with God. "If I live through this God, I will never ride another roller coaster ever again!" I ride again though even after I have won the deal.

 Then why go, he asks. That is the question. Why? Why put yourself through all of those feelings, and fear and stress in the first place? (After all, riding a roller coaster is optional!!!) 

Why? Because riding the coaster reminds us - that in the end, the fun we will have had is worth the scare right before, that the exhilaration is such an amazing feeling, that suddenly you've forgotten that you were even afraid to begin with. Simply put, it is worth it. You will smile and laugh and be proud that you were brave.  Riding roller coasters also remind us that when we say no and hide from the things that scare us, we miss another opportunity to say yes to all that life has to offer, to understand what it means to be alive. 

Johnny's First Real Roller Coaster, Superman, 6 Flags, Great Adventure

Dear Johnny, 

You have completed your first decade. Your next 9 decades :) will be equally as challenging, perhaps more so. There will be struggles, challenges, difficult days, days when you can't get out of bed. There will be fears so terrifying you won't know how to move forward. But there will also be glorious moments, joyful days, moments of pure contentment. Days where you laugh so hard, you will have earned an extra smile line. 
Be truthful.
Be kind.
Be a good man.

Always remember our roller coaster lesson. Be brave. Trust in protective systems set to keep you safe. Know that you are not alone. When you are faced with a challenge so big you are afraid you can't do it, just make a small step forward. (Get on line, stay on line). Don't give up. There will be plenty of setbacks and roadblocks and bad breaks. Honor them.  Respect them, but don't let them stop you. Keep going. Believe in yourself. You are a star. Shine brightly.  Remember the mantra we wrote together. "Face the day, Be brave, Have fun."

 Enjoy the ride. It will always be worth it. Don't forget to breathe.

Love, 

Mommy

(Johnny has now added Nitro to his roller coaster riding repertoire and he LOVED it-lifted his hands in the air, laughed wildly.  He even wants to do it again.)

Why Every Forty Something Girl Should Hang with the Twenty Somethings

I will be 45 years old in a few months.  My demographic age group will change to the 45-49 range.  My next milestone birthday will be 50.  I am considered middle aged but that's only if the average life span is 90 which it's not; it's younger, making me past middle aged.  All of this means the obvious.  I am getting old.  There is also the physical evidence; the fine lines (OK maybe a little more than fine) and the gray hair.  No stopping it.  But the truth is I have never felt better.
Right now, my daily grind provides me with a most wonderful opportunity.  Every day when I go to work, I am surrounded by young ones, millenials, twenty somethings, almost thirty somethings.  And I swear, it is the best kept secret for staying young.

There are times I look at them as the young women I know they are.  I see my 20 something self in them.  Those are the times I want to say, "Don't make the same mistakes we did when we were your age.''  I know I can't stop them.  For some reason, I have confidence that they absolutely won't make those mistakes or they will but on different terms, maybe even on their own terms.  Sometimes I look at them as if they were my daughter.  (Possible scenario but not a likely one).  I even say, "If you were my daughter,.......".  They listen to my lectures and then we move on.  Some of the time, I try to share my wisdom; the wisdom I have accrued by living life a few more  years more than them. I can be cynical at times.  They listen.  They get it.  They are realists.  But they are hopeful too.  I can't wait to watch them grow up and see where the paths that they have created will take them.  They are not the same twenty-somethings of years past. They are different and wonderful and it is exciting times.
Whatever they get from hanging with me, I get so much more in return.  They have provided me with a much needed fountain of youth.  Somehow, I can fit right in there with them.   And when I am off with something, they subtly let me know.  Mostly they encourage me.   Bootcut jeans may be the new Mom jeans but I am a mom and that's ok.  I will wear skinnies too.  And ripped ones if I want.  "Can I pull it off?" I ask them.  Hell yeah!

 Surround Yourself With 20 Something's When You're a 40 Something.  Here's why-....

1) I will have many 30 year old birthday celebrations to attend.
2) I no longer think I have ADD. (I was just born 15 years too early)
3) My car is the cleanest (?)
4) They think I'm the coolest mom
5) Hair/makeup/shoes/accessories. One time my friend's daughter pointed out how excited she was that we were wearing the same shorts. She's 11. (They weren't exactly the same!). So I dress like a kid sometimes. And I have a fedora. And converse.  And ripped jeans.
6) I live a little freer these days
7) I take the leaps a little more often
8) I view them sometimes as my daughters. I pray for them to have bright futures. I know in my heart they will.
9) I SO admire their swagger, their smarts, their sense of self. They'll make the same mistakes us 40 year olds did.They'll recover like we did too. The difference will be in that they'll do it all in style; smoothly, swiftly, wisely.
10) My 50th birthday is going to ROCK!!!

My Adventures in Running: Yet Another Metaphor for Living

Here are some ridiculously obvious although possibly interesting observations I  made as I reflect on my latest least favorite activity. :)

 I took up running last year from the encouragement of a good friend. I was a track and field girl in high school but sprinting, hurdling and jumping were my thing. Even back then, I don't think I could run a half mile (I distinctly remember running to a hiding spot and then faking the return as if I had just done the mile warmup -shhhhh!)

When I started again at 43, I hadn't run in over 20 years. It wasn't pretty. My first time out, I ran about a quarter mile and thought I was going to die. I considered giving up but instead opted to push forward.  I added a quarter mile each time out as the 'Couch to 5K' apps suggest.   If you had watched me at the end of each of my runs, you'd have thought I completed a marathon with all the panting and sweating and awkward body movements.  Knowing that my whole workout is really just a warm up for real runners both pissed me off and motivated me to finish. And certainly in the beginning, the word "run" was debatable.  I actually had to start to ponder what made the run a run.

(Note: for me, the first quarter mile is still the hardest).

And for reasons not entirely clear to me, I persevered.

When I told my family practitioner that I had started running for exercise, he asked "do you hate it yet?"

Why yes I do!

But running as a form of exercise had some obvious conveniences for me. First, it's the perfect poor girl sport. All I needed was a decent pair of running shoes and these special socks. (Which seem pricey for socks but they last forever.)

Second, for the busy, working, mom, running gets you the most bang for your time. With an at-home warm up, you're gone, door to door, in no more than 30 minutes (on a good day for me!) Not sure any other workout can do as much in as little time.

I'm not, of course, a "real runner".  Here's how I know. 

       *First, I don't run far.  I don't want to run far.  I am confident that I will never run far!   

       *Second, I only run in perfect weather conditions which include both temperature and WIND!

       *Third, it has never gotten easier.

       *Fourth and  finally, I have never experienced this "runners high" that real runners speak about. My friend, a real runner, keeps telling me that the first FIVE miles are the toughest. "After that, it gets easier," she says.  How cute she is! (Keri M!)  I look at people like her with the same skepticism I have for people who tell me how great they feel since they've given up pasta.  Yeah... OK..... sure. 

So despite my disdain for the activity, I have kept at it (except for the winter-and a long winter it was).   I even ran (slowly) a few 5ks.  My goal was always just to finish and not come in last place.  (I like to set simple, easily attainable goals or just keep the bar low enough so I can feel like a success).   Most importantly,  I've noticed that there are some lessons I have re-learned from running: lessons I can apply to how I live my life.  So in the spirit of stating the obvious, here goes.

7 Life Lessons Learned from Running

1) Enjoy the view!

I have not tried running on a treadmill. I know I would hate it too much. Part of what gets me through my 30 minutes is knowing that I'm actually going somewhere.

Lesson:Keep your eyes open. Even if it seems to be the same old route, there are always new surprises to discover as long as you are open to it.

2) Face the wind if you must, and face it boldly.

 I wrote in a previous blog post, "20 Life's Lessons from a 42 Year Old" about this very notion. Lesson  #3 states, "If you are  running, do so with the wind behind you." Unfortunately, what I have learned is that in order to get home, it appears you will run into the wind at some point. First I tried the sailing approach, tacking along to the right of the wind then to the left. I looked kind of silly but did manage to avoid the wind for at least some of the time.  However eventually, I had to face it.

Lesson: Don't think for a second that you can't go on, because you can. And whatever pain or exhaustion there is, know that it doesn't last forever.  Plus these are good times to put your theme songs to work

3) Have a theme song or two or three.

It's amazing what music can do for your attitude and how motivating a good song can be. I'm pretty sure I have tried them all; from classic rock to rap; ACDC to JayZ and the winner is always the same.  Super super lame I guess and entirely too predictable, but I assure you, the theme from Rocky will never ever let you down.  (even going uphill against the wind).  The running apps refer to this type of song as your Power Song.  Seems like a good name since somehow you actually gain power from listening.

 Lesson: When life feels all windy and uphill, play your theme song. You can play the song silently in your head or hum it out loud.  You may look like a crazy person, but you'll feel stronger and more powerful than before so it won't matter.

4) Good planning is always a good idea.

Knowing full well that nothing actually works as planned,  it's still comforting to know that there is a plan even if it's one intended to be deviated from.  My plan always includes an ending downhill.  Lesson: Put your time in early so that the endings are gentlest:  the end of the day, the end of a year, the end of your life.  Why not take it easy then?  Makes perfect sense to me.

5) Sometimes, you have to let it go.

Sometimes it's just not working despite all your efforts. While it's never OK to quit out of fear, don't beat yourself up if you have to let it go... for today.... for a month or forever.  Thankfully there's always yoga...... and Yoga can get you through anything.

Lesson:  Give it everything you have first, then, if it's still not right, let it go.  It's ok. 

6) "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"

As it's been said only a million different times in a million different ways, there is only ONE way to get from point A to  point B or wherever it is you're going and that is to put one foot in front of the other.  That's it. 

Lesson: One foot, then the other and continue.  Soon you'll be walking, maybe running, maybe uphill, maybe listening to the theme from Rocky, maybe it will be awful, maybe it will be exhilarating, maybe it will be both. It's all good because you're going somewhere and somewhere is better than nowhere.

7) It truly is a great adventure.

There is no guarantee that you will arrive at your originally planned destination and there is certainly no guarantee that, if you do, it will be in the time you expected.  In fact you may arrive at the point B from plan B  (Ha ha-you probably didn't even know you had one of those).   Any which way you look at it, the adventure is grand. 

Lesson: There are uphills to battle and winds to overcome, but in the end, it always feels worth it.  Funny how that happens.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NubH5BDOaD8
The best! MUST watch!